After the date.. Oh goodness

So let me first say that Saturday before the date and while talking with a couple co-workers I facebooked the guy.  I know, but I dont really know this guy so I have to be careful.  Well, facebook showed he was married still, with a picture of him and his wife.  Let me first say that I did ask him about it.  He stated that he wasnt the one that kept up with facebook, his ex wife did. But when I read some of the posts it seemed to be him writing not his ex-wife. He did explain and I did still go on the date but I definately kept my guard up. I also learned that he kept talked about his ex-wife.  He isn't ready to date.  But for me I learned that I am going to be okay.  That Josh would want me to get back out there.  Sunday was the one month mark of Josh's passing.  I just can't believe that he isn't here to talk to, to watch movies with, to keep me up to all hours of the night.  Last Wednesday night during the group Pastor JD was reading Phillippians and he read chapter 1 verse 3, "I thank God every time I remember you."  I know that it was Paul sharing that with the Church in Philippi, but I feel that way about Josh.  He was a gift from God to teach me that there is a man that will be the perfect fit for me. I just have to be patient, and have fun, enjoy my life and all that comes.. Even the bad dates... So one to the next one...  This weekend I am attending the Woman's Retreat with my church so I look forward to the weekend in Prescott.  It is being held at my old stomping grounds Emmanuel Pines.  Please keep me and the other woman in your prayers and thoughts this weekend.  Satan has a tendence to attack when God is involved.. Off to bed but wanted to share the date with everyone.  I do love you all and pray for you all.

Step 1... Let the healing begin...

Last night my friend had a couple extra tickets to the Diamondbacks game and during the game the little one I was babysitting for was so excited because we were sitting so close to the field and second because we were  up on the jumbotron... both her and I were dancing and waving our hands.  It was fun but all I could think of was the time I took Josh. He was so excited being there, he wanted to have everything that came around, the bubble gum lemonade for example.  He was funny... I know that I am not able to see him for a bit till I get to heaven and I haven't stopped living my life, doing things being out and about.  I just miss him... Last Christmas on my way up to my Mom's he called me and kept me company during the drive.  We talked about all kinds of things and there was a couple times where I lost signal and we played phone tag.  He had left me a message telling me Merry Christmas incase we weren't able to talk before then.  I heard that message yesterday and to hear his voice again just broke my heart.. I smiled with joy that he is free from this world and loving life now but I cried as well knowing that my friend is no longer here to talk to.  Now what happens if I meet someone and start dating him.  Would I be disregarding Josh's memory by dating them.  I know Josh wanted me to be happy.  He always told me that, he wanted me to be all that I could be.  That is why we never had a title to our relationship.  Everyone has different ways of grieving the loss of someone close to them.  And everyone reaches different steps in the process at different times.  I have recently started to look at how I can live my life to the fullest.  Over the next few months or years I hope to see the Lord lead me on some wild adventures, enjoying life and everything it has to offer before my time is up.  If there was anything that Josh taught me it was to not stop living.  As some of you know Josh loved guns, to shoot them, to learn about them, and to work on them.  The last weekend he was out and about we were in Prescott for the 4th of July.  On Monday Josh had just purchased a couple of guns that he wanted to test out and shoot.  We went to the shooting range and tested out a small gun ( forgive me I don't know the name of the gun).  Well, we both took turns shooting and I was firing to low and was missing the target.  He came up beside me and helped me see where I needed to aim the gun in order to hit the target. I did much better, while he hit the target left and right.  You could see the smile on his face when it pressed the trigger, the grip he had on the gun, and the love he had for the gun.  I know it was just the fact that he was shooting but he loved every minute of it. So as I moving forward with my life I have met this man about a week ago and we started talking, well emailing.  We are going on our first date this weekend and I am unsure about it.  The guy seems to have all the characteristics that I am looking for but still I am nervious afraid I will make a fool of myself by talking to much or do something stupid like trip ( which as all of you know is very common for me).. lol .  I promised myself not to jump into anything but just raise my hands and have some fun.  So off I go... I will write more when as it happens.. Just pray for me to have a good time and that the Lord would give me discernment when it comes to any and all relationships.  PS... Thank you to all who had something to do with my Birthday month... August has been a blast and I so look forward to what the rest of year is going to bring.. God is good and his love is never failing...

The Back Story...

As of August 10 I was officially 34 years old. I have never really blogged so this is going to be a new adventure. I am currently single and have been for quite some time. I used to think that I would be married with children by this age but for now I am single with no children. Maybe that is a good thing since my marriage fell apart. Would I really want to have to take my child to the Prison my ex-husband is in. God is good, and he spared me. Out of high school I was dating a sweet man who took very good care of me. We were together for 6 years and through all of that time we were just really good friends. After we broke up I met the man that became my husband. He was different, a bad boy type. Maybe that is what appealed to me. He became a force to be dealt with. About a year after we got married my father passed away and my ex-husband did not know how to help me deal with it. It was a shock and came out of the blue. He had acute luekemia and passed away in less then 6 hours after finding out. I handled everything very well but can't really tell you what happend for 6 months. I still remember the day that I woke up and started to live my life again. It was in Decemember and my boss at the time called me in her office and said that she understands I have been going through a lot with his loss but that my work was starting to suffer. At that point I took a step back and began looking at it in a whole new light. For the next few years I had some new challanges with my marriage. Things began to turn to more of a violent stage. But through it all I kept praying for the Lord to be with me. It wasn't until October of 2005 when I started praying for a way out of my marriage. I charish marriage and what it represents. The vow that I made before God. It wasn't until after my ex-husband was arrested and I talked with my Pastor at the time Pastor Ryan who looked me dead in the eye and told me that I was able to get divorced. That God would still love me through all of it. My ex-husband as some of you may already know was involved with minors and I did say plural on the minors. They were anywhere from 14 years old to adult. I was complete shock, I found my rest in the Lord during that time. I was reading my Bible regularly, focusing on what the Lord had for me. I think that was the first time that I felt so close to the Lord. Short after my divorce was finalized I met a man who lived in Phoenix and when he asked if I would be interested in moving I justed on the opportunity. I placed my house for sale and packed up. I lived with him for about a year before we both realized that we were not ment to be and I found my own place. For the first time I was living on my own. My ex-boyfriend from when I was younger always told me to live on my own and find myself. So that is exactly what I did. Funny thing was, it took me almost 10 years to make that move. I have been living on my own now since January of 2008. I have grown so much in the past 3 years. I ended up dating a man while he finished his work in Iraq, we became instant friends and about a month ago he passed away from stage 4 colon cancer. We only dated for about 7 months and then lost contact for about 8 months. After he found out he had cancer in August of 2009 we started talking again. The relationship picked up right where we had left it. I cared about him so much but it was different this time. He was dying, and really didn't want to put a title on what we had. We remained close for the during the last year. He knew what it felt like to have someone love him unconditionally. Someone that wouldn't judge him when he said the wrong thing or flipped from one thing to another. I will always cherish the time we had together and will never regret it. So here I am, 34 years old and looking to start new adventures this year. I wanted to make this about my journey at 34. Talk about those dateless nights that haunt a woman, those dates that will make a persons mouth drop in horror, those dates that make you laugh until you fall on the floor. And can't forget those adventures with your friends and just taking life and doing things, being out and about. SO that covers it... Now the real story begins... Stay tuned for the day in the life Jenn.. I do promise though to be honest and up front even it is painful to say.. God is good and his mercy is amazing....