Two Steps Forward, One Step Back... lol

First let me say that I am so sorry I have written much lately.  It has been a truely busy month so far and it is only the 9th... September ended with some sadness as I am still dealing with losing Josh.  He had become one of my best friends but I heard this song that made me see things in a different light.  The song is by Needtobreathe named " Streets of Gold " and the lyrics go....

I want you to know
I'm leaving to let you go
One day we'll walk upon
Streets of gold

I don't remember seeing fear in your eyes
When you were fading
The day we said our goodbyes
It's easy to say that there's a reason for this
Much harder to know
That what we say is true

Everything we hold could someday slip away

I want you to know
I'm leaving to let you go
And someday we'll walk upon
The streets of gold
Running through your veins was a slow-ticking clock

Counting down the days
And no one could make it stop
All of the time that it takes to figure it out
Could be the moments
That you can't live without

Everything we hold could someday slip away

I want you to know
I'm leaving to let you go
And someday we'll walk upon
The streets of gold

The trouble with love is that it comes to an end
I've got a feeling I'm gonna find you again
Just in a place where love can't die


Josh and I had some great times together and some great devotions.  He told me that he wasn't afraid to leave this earth because he knew that he was Heaven bound.  He just wasn't ready to leave this earth.  God gave me a year with him.  I remember the day that I received his email about him wanting to get together after he had found out.  I was flying home from Wisconsin and in the air I prayed.  I asked God if we were suppose to be friends and how that was going to look. I made a commitment to be his friend and help him through this. I feel kinda blessed for that year.  I never thought when Ms Chris set us up that it would of turned out this way but it did.  He was a good friend who was honest with me.  He showed me how strong I am and reminded me that God has a plan for my life.  One day my friend and I will walk together again.  I do feel that I am working through the grieving process okay.  I don't feel angry but excited for him.  He is not in pain anymore, and let me tell you he lived with so much pain that it broke my heart at times.  He didn't want to be on meds all the time either but it came to the point that he needed to medicate to rest.  To be free from this world is a blessing and I can see him now dancing all over. 

On to more interesting topics last weekend I went to the Woman of Faith Conference and it was so much fun.  I heard from the Karen James ( the Woman who's husband died on Mtn. Hood),  The Biggest Loser Winner of Season 6, Michelle who shared her own story.  I think the one speaker that spoke the most to me was Sheila Walsh who talked mainly about Trust.. And trusting God..  Trusting God... what a concept.  Instead of doing all this on my own I could actually sit back and trust that the Lord knows what is best for me and my life.  I mean I still live but to be lead by my creater is an amazing thought.  I think my own stubborness gets in the way of that all the time.  I am finding a sense of peace about that. 

For the last few months I have been in deep prayer regarding whether or not I should be a foster parent again. It has been something that has weighed on my heart for years which can explain why I was one the last time.  I took a step this week and turned in my paperwork on Wednesday and as of last night I received the first of many calls regarding this.  The first step was completing the orientation which I completed a week ago.  The next step is meeting with the one who in charge of the intake interview.  The inital interview to see if you have what is needed to be a foster parent.  They look at your temperment, your knowledge of the program, your desire, and willingness to help.  I have to call them back on Tuesday to make the appointment.  I am getting excited about it.  I hope to one day adopt a child of my own.  For some of you who don't know there is a large possibility I may not be able to have children.  I have been through may tests while I was married and they were unsure as to why but my cycle is non existant.  I have not had to deal with a cycle at all for the last 8-9 years.  At times I go through a broken phase, where I am less then what I should be or that I am broken unable to be fixed.  I have dreamed of having a family of my own since I was a child but God has a different plan.  God has opened my eyes to see that there are so many children in this world that need a good home, someone to love them, guide them.  He has given me a peace about it and when the door opens I will be jumping in.  So for you all I need your help.... Please pray for me as this journey begins. I know that I headed the right way as God gave me a sign.  This past Sunday I was sitting on the 252 Stage and a young man from the Youth Group was sharing with me his story.  He is currently in Foster Care, it broke my heart.  He is a good kid from what I can tell and God has done a mighty work in him.  It was just a sign that God has me headed in the right direction. 

Thank you all for taking the time to read about my journey.  It is only going to get better from here.  My story is just beginning and I look forward to sitting back and enjoying the ride as my Dad used to say. 

What a Labor Day weekend...

Well as some of you know I have been on a couple dating sites online. I know that it isn't the best way to meet people but I have gone down that path.  So, on Sunday I met this man on one of the sites.  He checked out my profile a couple times and was curious if I would check out his. Once he noticed I looked at his profile he wrote me that he hoped I would check out his page.  We ended up emailing each other for the next 24 hours.  And when we wrote each other it was like writing a book about who we are.  Last night was the first conversation and it just flowed, we talked for 2 hours about all kinds of things and so we have now exchanged facebook address and such.  Please pray that God would lead and direct in this.  I dont want to fall for the wrong man, and the one thing that stands in the way is he lives in Pennsylvania and I live in Arizona... So I am praying about this and seeing what God has in mind.. My prayer is that if he isn't the right one that God would close the door.. And if this is God's will that he would allow the connection to grow and be smooth.  That way I know it is the Lords will and not mine. So if you could also pray that for me I would be greatful.  God is good and his mercy upon me has been great. 

This weekend was also filled with sadness for a High School friend who was also a friend of my brothers and my nephews uncle committed suicide on Saturday.  I had some fun memories of him and though he wasn't perfect and would drive me crazy at times I would never of wanted him to leave this world this way.  My heart goes out to his family right now. They lost their oldest son 8 years ago and they have still been struggling to survive that, now Charlie... God be with them and please pray for them.

The importance of finding PEACE...

As most of you already know I have struggled with how I was treated by Josh's family.  I could never understand why they were so rude to me.  Last night after small groups at Church one of the woman came up to me and explained that she had been following my progress and praying for me with the whole Josh passing.  During the conversation it became clear to both of us that I had been struggling with forgiving and letting go or the using the ultimate word of finding PEACE.  This past couple of weeks I had been praying that the Lord would help me find peace in the situation and allow me to move past the hurt I felt.  God is working and little by little I am starting to see the importance of the peace.  It can haunt you, destroy relationships and at time block a person from moving forward.  It is kinda interesting how this past few weeks at weekly Bible Study with the Madison staff the topic has also been on peace.  I feel God is telling me something.  Please continue to pray as I am not perfect but I am working on it.

So, next topic of choice....  Some of you had requested that I go more into detail about the date.  Well for those who are curious the date was fun, we went ice skating and seemed to have good conversation but the whole married/ divorce thing hung over me.  In the conversations I also found out somethings about his past that didn't sit well with me either.  Now I do understand that no one is perfect and we will all have pasts it is just making me really think.  And we haven't talked since the date so that could be another thing.  We ice skated about 3 laps around the ice rink and then walked through Wal-Mart so he could pick up dog food.  I definately think that doing something where it does not involve coffee and a movies for a first date is a great idea.  It allowed for us to get to know each other and if it would of been uncomfortable then we could of focused on the skating, lol.   Can I just say that dating stinks. When I was a little girl all I wanted was a husband and children.  I felt that the rest would fall right into place.  But here I sit, divorced, losing a boyfriend, and single again.  I have even taking it a step further and talked to God about what he wants from me and why I have to be the one to go through all of this.  I feel I am at a still moment in my life so I am trying to take it for all it is worth.  I have a Monday Night womans study at my home and we had decided to study a book named, " A Woman in Waiting".  This book has gone through the 7 different Ladies from, "A Lady of Virtue", "A Lady of Purity", and "A Lady of Reckless Abandonment"..  This book looks at the story of Ruth and her love of the Lord.  Everyone has a different journey and for me this is mine.  I am still working on my story so I can share it with woman.  God opened the door this past weekend at the Ladies Retreat for me to share.  God brought this woman to the retreat who beginning a new adventrue with her husband and God allowed my story and the story of another woman to help this woman on her journey.  God also allowed the loss of my father to teach me the mourning process so I could support another woman in her journey.  This journey is not an easy one but I can see God working through it all.  So now I pray and wait on the Lord to guide me in the next step.  I ask you all to pray for me as I seek the peace that is needed for me to step away from the hurt and heal.

After the date.. Oh goodness

So let me first say that Saturday before the date and while talking with a couple co-workers I facebooked the guy.  I know, but I dont really know this guy so I have to be careful.  Well, facebook showed he was married still, with a picture of him and his wife.  Let me first say that I did ask him about it.  He stated that he wasnt the one that kept up with facebook, his ex wife did. But when I read some of the posts it seemed to be him writing not his ex-wife. He did explain and I did still go on the date but I definately kept my guard up. I also learned that he kept talked about his ex-wife.  He isn't ready to date.  But for me I learned that I am going to be okay.  That Josh would want me to get back out there.  Sunday was the one month mark of Josh's passing.  I just can't believe that he isn't here to talk to, to watch movies with, to keep me up to all hours of the night.  Last Wednesday night during the group Pastor JD was reading Phillippians and he read chapter 1 verse 3, "I thank God every time I remember you."  I know that it was Paul sharing that with the Church in Philippi, but I feel that way about Josh.  He was a gift from God to teach me that there is a man that will be the perfect fit for me. I just have to be patient, and have fun, enjoy my life and all that comes.. Even the bad dates... So one to the next one...  This weekend I am attending the Woman's Retreat with my church so I look forward to the weekend in Prescott.  It is being held at my old stomping grounds Emmanuel Pines.  Please keep me and the other woman in your prayers and thoughts this weekend.  Satan has a tendence to attack when God is involved.. Off to bed but wanted to share the date with everyone.  I do love you all and pray for you all.

Step 1... Let the healing begin...

Last night my friend had a couple extra tickets to the Diamondbacks game and during the game the little one I was babysitting for was so excited because we were sitting so close to the field and second because we were  up on the jumbotron... both her and I were dancing and waving our hands.  It was fun but all I could think of was the time I took Josh. He was so excited being there, he wanted to have everything that came around, the bubble gum lemonade for example.  He was funny... I know that I am not able to see him for a bit till I get to heaven and I haven't stopped living my life, doing things being out and about.  I just miss him... Last Christmas on my way up to my Mom's he called me and kept me company during the drive.  We talked about all kinds of things and there was a couple times where I lost signal and we played phone tag.  He had left me a message telling me Merry Christmas incase we weren't able to talk before then.  I heard that message yesterday and to hear his voice again just broke my heart.. I smiled with joy that he is free from this world and loving life now but I cried as well knowing that my friend is no longer here to talk to.  Now what happens if I meet someone and start dating him.  Would I be disregarding Josh's memory by dating them.  I know Josh wanted me to be happy.  He always told me that, he wanted me to be all that I could be.  That is why we never had a title to our relationship.  Everyone has different ways of grieving the loss of someone close to them.  And everyone reaches different steps in the process at different times.  I have recently started to look at how I can live my life to the fullest.  Over the next few months or years I hope to see the Lord lead me on some wild adventures, enjoying life and everything it has to offer before my time is up.  If there was anything that Josh taught me it was to not stop living.  As some of you know Josh loved guns, to shoot them, to learn about them, and to work on them.  The last weekend he was out and about we were in Prescott for the 4th of July.  On Monday Josh had just purchased a couple of guns that he wanted to test out and shoot.  We went to the shooting range and tested out a small gun ( forgive me I don't know the name of the gun).  Well, we both took turns shooting and I was firing to low and was missing the target.  He came up beside me and helped me see where I needed to aim the gun in order to hit the target. I did much better, while he hit the target left and right.  You could see the smile on his face when it pressed the trigger, the grip he had on the gun, and the love he had for the gun.  I know it was just the fact that he was shooting but he loved every minute of it. So as I moving forward with my life I have met this man about a week ago and we started talking, well emailing.  We are going on our first date this weekend and I am unsure about it.  The guy seems to have all the characteristics that I am looking for but still I am nervious afraid I will make a fool of myself by talking to much or do something stupid like trip ( which as all of you know is very common for me).. lol .  I promised myself not to jump into anything but just raise my hands and have some fun.  So off I go... I will write more when as it happens.. Just pray for me to have a good time and that the Lord would give me discernment when it comes to any and all relationships.  PS... Thank you to all who had something to do with my Birthday month... August has been a blast and I so look forward to what the rest of year is going to bring.. God is good and his love is never failing...

The Back Story...

As of August 10 I was officially 34 years old. I have never really blogged so this is going to be a new adventure. I am currently single and have been for quite some time. I used to think that I would be married with children by this age but for now I am single with no children. Maybe that is a good thing since my marriage fell apart. Would I really want to have to take my child to the Prison my ex-husband is in. God is good, and he spared me. Out of high school I was dating a sweet man who took very good care of me. We were together for 6 years and through all of that time we were just really good friends. After we broke up I met the man that became my husband. He was different, a bad boy type. Maybe that is what appealed to me. He became a force to be dealt with. About a year after we got married my father passed away and my ex-husband did not know how to help me deal with it. It was a shock and came out of the blue. He had acute luekemia and passed away in less then 6 hours after finding out. I handled everything very well but can't really tell you what happend for 6 months. I still remember the day that I woke up and started to live my life again. It was in Decemember and my boss at the time called me in her office and said that she understands I have been going through a lot with his loss but that my work was starting to suffer. At that point I took a step back and began looking at it in a whole new light. For the next few years I had some new challanges with my marriage. Things began to turn to more of a violent stage. But through it all I kept praying for the Lord to be with me. It wasn't until October of 2005 when I started praying for a way out of my marriage. I charish marriage and what it represents. The vow that I made before God. It wasn't until after my ex-husband was arrested and I talked with my Pastor at the time Pastor Ryan who looked me dead in the eye and told me that I was able to get divorced. That God would still love me through all of it. My ex-husband as some of you may already know was involved with minors and I did say plural on the minors. They were anywhere from 14 years old to adult. I was complete shock, I found my rest in the Lord during that time. I was reading my Bible regularly, focusing on what the Lord had for me. I think that was the first time that I felt so close to the Lord. Short after my divorce was finalized I met a man who lived in Phoenix and when he asked if I would be interested in moving I justed on the opportunity. I placed my house for sale and packed up. I lived with him for about a year before we both realized that we were not ment to be and I found my own place. For the first time I was living on my own. My ex-boyfriend from when I was younger always told me to live on my own and find myself. So that is exactly what I did. Funny thing was, it took me almost 10 years to make that move. I have been living on my own now since January of 2008. I have grown so much in the past 3 years. I ended up dating a man while he finished his work in Iraq, we became instant friends and about a month ago he passed away from stage 4 colon cancer. We only dated for about 7 months and then lost contact for about 8 months. After he found out he had cancer in August of 2009 we started talking again. The relationship picked up right where we had left it. I cared about him so much but it was different this time. He was dying, and really didn't want to put a title on what we had. We remained close for the during the last year. He knew what it felt like to have someone love him unconditionally. Someone that wouldn't judge him when he said the wrong thing or flipped from one thing to another. I will always cherish the time we had together and will never regret it. So here I am, 34 years old and looking to start new adventures this year. I wanted to make this about my journey at 34. Talk about those dateless nights that haunt a woman, those dates that will make a persons mouth drop in horror, those dates that make you laugh until you fall on the floor. And can't forget those adventures with your friends and just taking life and doing things, being out and about. SO that covers it... Now the real story begins... Stay tuned for the day in the life Jenn.. I do promise though to be honest and up front even it is painful to say.. God is good and his mercy is amazing....