To the unexpected....

So where do I start...  During the last Tres Dias weekend I felt like God was telling me to release one of deepest dreams and allow him to take control instead of me.  As most of you know since I was a little girl I have always wanted to be married and have a family.  And after Mark and then Josh I felt that God had different plans though the dream was still there and I was dying to have it.  Over the course of my life I have learned so much about the importance of God's timing and have struggled with the word "Patience".  I have no patience, really I have none.  I don't understand why I would have to wait for something I truely wanted.  I know God has a way, I have been told this all my life, but this one is different.  I put my faith and trust in God after Mark, I saw what following my own way and not God's way can do.  I wanted to be patient I prayed for it, but now I sit here after meeting a very sweet man.  A Godly man at that, who prays, and have a positive attitude from what I can tell.  So now, lets go back to April 9, 2011, I looked down at the cross and the hammer and nails.  I prayed that God would take control of my destiny and my dreams.  I went up and nailed it all, my dreams, my desires, my life.  I told God that night that it was time I get rid of my selfishness and allow him to finish the work he had started so long ago.  I can home with a sense of peace, like the calm before the storm is what it felt like.  I had been on a few differnet dating sites ( I know what was I thinking, well I wasn't thinking... I was lonely).  I cancelled them all after that weekend, I knew if I was going to allow God to work then he had to have complete control. Well I guess I forgot to delete one of them.  The next Thursday I got this email about some guy adding me to their favorites.  I checked out his profile before I was going to delete mine and it turned out that it didn't look so bad so while I was typing him an intro email he was typing me at the same time.  Come to find out we both sent them to each other at the same exact moment.  The emails began from there and then a week later we had our first date at Crackerjacks playing miniture golf.  The date was so much fun, full of laughing and getting to know each other.  I have to say that I beat him pretty good but he was a gracious loser and still makes fun of me on how I won. He then went to Church with me on Easter Sunday and we had a great time of getting to know each other.  I am not sure where this is going to go but I am praying that God would stay in control and lead.  I am asking all of you to pray too as my heart is fragile but my faith is strong.  This year was presented to me as being a how are you going to complete me.  God how are you going to work in all that I have been through to be a light until your path.  God is moving and to what direction I am not sure but as a Godly man once wrote me, "Life is like a roller coaster, raise you hands and enjoy the ride." (Leo Jr. Garrett).  Please continue to be in prayer over the next few months for me and this relationship with John.  And I will be in prayer for you.   

Updates....

So for the last couple months I have to be honest I have been lazy.  Not wanting to do anything even blogging.  I know that is bad huh...  So here I am writing out what is new in the world of Jenn.  As some of your know I attended a ladies weekend as part of Christian Society this last fall.  I don't talk to much about it but the ladies are sweet and very kind.  Tomorrow I go on my first serving weekend. I am part of the Worship Team, I am excited and praying that it goes well.  Satan has a way of stealing my joy when I go to do something Spirit filled and he is striking again.  There is this young man in my class that is pushing all the right buttons.  He is very argumentative and rude to not only myself but other staff.  It is something that I have faced in my past with other children but this one has me all frustrated.  When dealing with him mom I get no where.  I need a lot of prayer for patience and guidence as I work with him over the next 6 weeks.  He is a fourth grader and his mom explained yesterday that he won't be here after school is over. I have been blessed to be apart of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Night the Light Walk this year.  I will be the head Volunteer for the walk, which is exciting.  I won't be speaking this time but I will be apart of the event to raise money in hopes of saving lives or providing comfort.  Oh, and last Monday, March 28 I started back to school.  So far for it being the 2nd week my assignments have been graded with full credit.  It is an introduction to College course, and it isn't to bad.  It is helping me remember how importnat it is to be motivated and what the school has to offer.  We shall see where it goes but so far I am exicted.  I still have so much to learn though.  And for those that didn't hear my Grandfather went in for triple bypass surgery last week.  From what I know he is doing good, though he still isn't speaking with my family.  I have to be honest I don't know him, he didn't live close when I was growing up, didn't really visit to much.  So maybe that is why it isn't as hard as it could be. I don't know.  My mom is taking it hard, it's her dad, even if he has nothing to do with her life.  I had a great talk with my Grandma about him over the weekend.  She shared what was the final straw between the two and she shared how they met.  It was neat hearing my Grandma's old stories.  I am blessed to have her around now, when I was younger she also wasn't around to much.  It had become like clock work during the summer when she would come and stay for a couple weeks to a month.  It was always fun having her around. I think that is why I enjoy my time with her now.  Well work is calling my name....  Please be in prayer for my family, my Grandfather, this weekend, and school.  God is moving and I just pray I follow his lead...

Way to long...

I have to first apologize for not writing on sooner.  Starting towards to end of October things got very busy.  I had the most amazing experience at Tres Dias and would love for all to be apart of this amazing group of woman.  God opened the door for me to sit at a table with woman who not only understood the panin I was dealing with after the loss of my friend but also the forgiveness that needed to come for my ex husband.  God gave me peace to nail those pains to the cross.  I left that weekend feeling released and reknewed.  The months to follow this amazing weekend have found me to be excited about the Thanksgiving and Christmas allowed me enjoy my time with Marty, my Mom, and Grandma.  Finding myself through this past year is what my mission was.  I had the blessed opportunity to share my fathers story at the memorial ceremony at the Leukemia and Lymophony Walk for Life.  I was nervious and excited all at the same time.  150 were present and I talked about the love I had for my father and how we handled the events.  God is good and I felt so good share that stroy.  I can't wait to be able to share again.  I will do my best to keep everyone up to date with my journey for the rest of the year. 

I know it has been a long time....

I have to apologize that it has taken me so long to write.  I found myself going into a depression state with everything dealing with Josh.  It took me till one day I heard someone say, " If they are not losing sleep over you, then why are you losing sleep over them."  Wow what a statement.  I woke up that day and found myself smiling again and loving life.  I am now in this wonderful state with myself. I love who I am and am excited to see what the Lord does with me next. 

I completed my first speaking engagment where I shared my fathers store and my journey with 150 people at the Light the Night Walk Remembrence Ceremony.  It went so well that I was asked to speak again next year.  God is good and he is giving me strength to let go and look ahead.  I wonder if my Dad was looking down and listening to me. My mom came down for the event and helped me decorate.  This is a big step for her as she usually does not do anything like this.  We also walked half of the walk because my mom was so sore from the first lap. 

I am currently working on the Christmas Program at the school I work for.  I took this play I found and worked it so it would fit the music we are singing and here we go.  I am getting more excited as it comes.  Please pray that the children do a great job and have fun with it.

Please pray that God continues to use me during this time to do all I can for him that I couldnt do while I was married. 

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back... lol

First let me say that I am so sorry I have written much lately.  It has been a truely busy month so far and it is only the 9th... September ended with some sadness as I am still dealing with losing Josh.  He had become one of my best friends but I heard this song that made me see things in a different light.  The song is by Needtobreathe named " Streets of Gold " and the lyrics go....

I want you to know
I'm leaving to let you go
One day we'll walk upon
Streets of gold

I don't remember seeing fear in your eyes
When you were fading
The day we said our goodbyes
It's easy to say that there's a reason for this
Much harder to know
That what we say is true

Everything we hold could someday slip away

I want you to know
I'm leaving to let you go
And someday we'll walk upon
The streets of gold
Running through your veins was a slow-ticking clock

Counting down the days
And no one could make it stop
All of the time that it takes to figure it out
Could be the moments
That you can't live without

Everything we hold could someday slip away

I want you to know
I'm leaving to let you go
And someday we'll walk upon
The streets of gold

The trouble with love is that it comes to an end
I've got a feeling I'm gonna find you again
Just in a place where love can't die


Josh and I had some great times together and some great devotions.  He told me that he wasn't afraid to leave this earth because he knew that he was Heaven bound.  He just wasn't ready to leave this earth.  God gave me a year with him.  I remember the day that I received his email about him wanting to get together after he had found out.  I was flying home from Wisconsin and in the air I prayed.  I asked God if we were suppose to be friends and how that was going to look. I made a commitment to be his friend and help him through this. I feel kinda blessed for that year.  I never thought when Ms Chris set us up that it would of turned out this way but it did.  He was a good friend who was honest with me.  He showed me how strong I am and reminded me that God has a plan for my life.  One day my friend and I will walk together again.  I do feel that I am working through the grieving process okay.  I don't feel angry but excited for him.  He is not in pain anymore, and let me tell you he lived with so much pain that it broke my heart at times.  He didn't want to be on meds all the time either but it came to the point that he needed to medicate to rest.  To be free from this world is a blessing and I can see him now dancing all over. 

On to more interesting topics last weekend I went to the Woman of Faith Conference and it was so much fun.  I heard from the Karen James ( the Woman who's husband died on Mtn. Hood),  The Biggest Loser Winner of Season 6, Michelle who shared her own story.  I think the one speaker that spoke the most to me was Sheila Walsh who talked mainly about Trust.. And trusting God..  Trusting God... what a concept.  Instead of doing all this on my own I could actually sit back and trust that the Lord knows what is best for me and my life.  I mean I still live but to be lead by my creater is an amazing thought.  I think my own stubborness gets in the way of that all the time.  I am finding a sense of peace about that. 

For the last few months I have been in deep prayer regarding whether or not I should be a foster parent again. It has been something that has weighed on my heart for years which can explain why I was one the last time.  I took a step this week and turned in my paperwork on Wednesday and as of last night I received the first of many calls regarding this.  The first step was completing the orientation which I completed a week ago.  The next step is meeting with the one who in charge of the intake interview.  The inital interview to see if you have what is needed to be a foster parent.  They look at your temperment, your knowledge of the program, your desire, and willingness to help.  I have to call them back on Tuesday to make the appointment.  I am getting excited about it.  I hope to one day adopt a child of my own.  For some of you who don't know there is a large possibility I may not be able to have children.  I have been through may tests while I was married and they were unsure as to why but my cycle is non existant.  I have not had to deal with a cycle at all for the last 8-9 years.  At times I go through a broken phase, where I am less then what I should be or that I am broken unable to be fixed.  I have dreamed of having a family of my own since I was a child but God has a different plan.  God has opened my eyes to see that there are so many children in this world that need a good home, someone to love them, guide them.  He has given me a peace about it and when the door opens I will be jumping in.  So for you all I need your help.... Please pray for me as this journey begins. I know that I headed the right way as God gave me a sign.  This past Sunday I was sitting on the 252 Stage and a young man from the Youth Group was sharing with me his story.  He is currently in Foster Care, it broke my heart.  He is a good kid from what I can tell and God has done a mighty work in him.  It was just a sign that God has me headed in the right direction. 

Thank you all for taking the time to read about my journey.  It is only going to get better from here.  My story is just beginning and I look forward to sitting back and enjoying the ride as my Dad used to say. 

What a Labor Day weekend...

Well as some of you know I have been on a couple dating sites online. I know that it isn't the best way to meet people but I have gone down that path.  So, on Sunday I met this man on one of the sites.  He checked out my profile a couple times and was curious if I would check out his. Once he noticed I looked at his profile he wrote me that he hoped I would check out his page.  We ended up emailing each other for the next 24 hours.  And when we wrote each other it was like writing a book about who we are.  Last night was the first conversation and it just flowed, we talked for 2 hours about all kinds of things and so we have now exchanged facebook address and such.  Please pray that God would lead and direct in this.  I dont want to fall for the wrong man, and the one thing that stands in the way is he lives in Pennsylvania and I live in Arizona... So I am praying about this and seeing what God has in mind.. My prayer is that if he isn't the right one that God would close the door.. And if this is God's will that he would allow the connection to grow and be smooth.  That way I know it is the Lords will and not mine. So if you could also pray that for me I would be greatful.  God is good and his mercy upon me has been great. 

This weekend was also filled with sadness for a High School friend who was also a friend of my brothers and my nephews uncle committed suicide on Saturday.  I had some fun memories of him and though he wasn't perfect and would drive me crazy at times I would never of wanted him to leave this world this way.  My heart goes out to his family right now. They lost their oldest son 8 years ago and they have still been struggling to survive that, now Charlie... God be with them and please pray for them.

The importance of finding PEACE...

As most of you already know I have struggled with how I was treated by Josh's family.  I could never understand why they were so rude to me.  Last night after small groups at Church one of the woman came up to me and explained that she had been following my progress and praying for me with the whole Josh passing.  During the conversation it became clear to both of us that I had been struggling with forgiving and letting go or the using the ultimate word of finding PEACE.  This past couple of weeks I had been praying that the Lord would help me find peace in the situation and allow me to move past the hurt I felt.  God is working and little by little I am starting to see the importance of the peace.  It can haunt you, destroy relationships and at time block a person from moving forward.  It is kinda interesting how this past few weeks at weekly Bible Study with the Madison staff the topic has also been on peace.  I feel God is telling me something.  Please continue to pray as I am not perfect but I am working on it.

So, next topic of choice....  Some of you had requested that I go more into detail about the date.  Well for those who are curious the date was fun, we went ice skating and seemed to have good conversation but the whole married/ divorce thing hung over me.  In the conversations I also found out somethings about his past that didn't sit well with me either.  Now I do understand that no one is perfect and we will all have pasts it is just making me really think.  And we haven't talked since the date so that could be another thing.  We ice skated about 3 laps around the ice rink and then walked through Wal-Mart so he could pick up dog food.  I definately think that doing something where it does not involve coffee and a movies for a first date is a great idea.  It allowed for us to get to know each other and if it would of been uncomfortable then we could of focused on the skating, lol.   Can I just say that dating stinks. When I was a little girl all I wanted was a husband and children.  I felt that the rest would fall right into place.  But here I sit, divorced, losing a boyfriend, and single again.  I have even taking it a step further and talked to God about what he wants from me and why I have to be the one to go through all of this.  I feel I am at a still moment in my life so I am trying to take it for all it is worth.  I have a Monday Night womans study at my home and we had decided to study a book named, " A Woman in Waiting".  This book has gone through the 7 different Ladies from, "A Lady of Virtue", "A Lady of Purity", and "A Lady of Reckless Abandonment"..  This book looks at the story of Ruth and her love of the Lord.  Everyone has a different journey and for me this is mine.  I am still working on my story so I can share it with woman.  God opened the door this past weekend at the Ladies Retreat for me to share.  God brought this woman to the retreat who beginning a new adventrue with her husband and God allowed my story and the story of another woman to help this woman on her journey.  God also allowed the loss of my father to teach me the mourning process so I could support another woman in her journey.  This journey is not an easy one but I can see God working through it all.  So now I pray and wait on the Lord to guide me in the next step.  I ask you all to pray for me as I seek the peace that is needed for me to step away from the hurt and heal.